


Curses and Miracles

by ijustwantacue



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, Singer Choi Youngjae, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 11:51:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13523679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijustwantacue/pseuds/ijustwantacue
Summary: Youngjae is known as the school's prodigy. He has great talent in singing, on top of his good grades and bright personality. His future seems a very bright one. Until the school's queen bee finds out a secret that would ruin his perfect reputation.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Y/N stands for your name.  
> POVs change per chapter/ mid-chapter. Reader's POV is indicated with blocked POV: Yours. Reader's POV contains vulgar words and scenes. Some topic can be triggering so read at your own risk.

> **POV: Youngjae**

 

"You're taking overtime again?" Jackson asks while changing his clothes.

"I need $1000 before the month ends," I answer with a smile.

"Wow," he says, both in awe and disbelief. "How do you even manage to balance everything? You've got school, your music career, then you also work here. Do you even sleep?"

"It's not like I'm doing them all at once. When I'm at school, I just study. When I have gigs, I just sing."

"And here, you do sleep. Just not in the context we're referring."

"Get out of here," I hit him lightly. He's laughing loudly as he exits through the backdoor while I prepare for my next customer.

* * *

I am a host. Not the one who emcee for parties or shows. I entertain and accompany people privately.

But don't judge me. I don't dance naked or do lewd things. No. I just talk to women who have problems. Because if they don't have a problem, why would they be here? They should be with their boyfriends or their family, the ones who know how to really make them happy.

"Ars, you're Room 304," Madame gives me the request card. This is where customers write how much they will pay. This tells us up to what extent we can serve them.

Guests have to surrender their cards before entering Haven and the minimum pay is $200. $50 goes to the host, the rest is for Madame's debts. It took her a huge amount of money to establish the business so we understand that she needs to pay the loansharks. After three years, she promised to give us most if not all of the customer's payment.

"How old?" I ask so I can get ready. Last night, I talked with a woman on her fifties. I let her complain about her three kids and even gave her tips on how to deal with his teenage son. As I've said, most of our customers just need someone to accompany and listen to them.

"I think she's around your age. She's actually really hot! Her friend is having a bachelorette party at the club downstairs and they decided to play here upstairs," she explains with adoration. I really don't get her sometimes.

"What are they playing?"

"Some kind of resisting game. You know how those rich girls can be. They dared each other not to get seduced by the host they chose."

"Oh..."

"That's it? Just an 'oh'? You're not even flattered that they think you're challenging?"

"Huh?"

"They chose you because the sexy girl might find it hard to resist you. I don't really understand you, kid. Go ahead with your task then."

Yeah, I think the same way, Madame. I don't understand you too. You're not like some low-class human trafficker. In fact, you're well enough to live comfortably. You're on your mid-forties but you have no husband. You must have been lonely that's why you're trying to help other lonely women too.

"Choi Youngjae, are you just going to stand there?"

"Madame! Don't say my real name!" I complain before walking towards the end of the hallway.

I am not Choi Youngjae. In this place, they call me ARS.

* * *

I knock before opening the door. I am wearing a black mask and our white buttoned up long sleeves and ripped jeans. This is our uniform. We're half-waiters, half-rockstars. I told you, I don't know how Madame's mind works.

"Good evening, Miss," I bow like how our protocol says.

"Wow... I never thought I'd see you this way. How... interesting."

Wait. I know that voice. That accent, the cockiness, I KNOW IT! I hear it almost everyday!

I look up and see a woman with her arms and legs crossed. When Madame said the woman is sexy, I should've thought of her. But I don't talk to Y/N when we're at school. I can give you hundred reasons why I avoid her but the top of it all is because she's famous. As the Queen Bee. Everyone knows her and she can ruin your life with one word. We're classmates, seatmates actually. But we have never talked before. I never tried to steal a glance at her because I might just catch her uploading yet another Instagram post.

"Hello there, seatmate," she greets with those girly waves they do.

Shit. She recognises me?

"How come the school's prodigy in singing actually works here?" she asks in amusement. If she's really curious or she's teasing me, I won't ever know.

I try to smile. I can get through this. I should chill. "You might be mistaken, Ma'am."

She laughs then suddenly turns serious. How she did that in a split second, I don't want to know. "Nope. You're Choi Youngjae."

I'm dead. She's really sure of it. How does she know me? What will happen to me now? My perfect morale will be tarnished. How can I get into my dream recording label if I have a bad reputation?

She laughs again for who knows why. She seems to be enjoying this.

"Hey, don't go frozen. As if I care that you work here."

My head snap. She doesn't care? So that means I'm saved! I didn't know she's actually nice! "You won't tell?"

"Of course, I will!" she looks at me adoringly. Wait. She will? I almost thought she said she won't! Why does her tone differ from what she's about to say? "I said I don't care right? So I'll give it away to those who mind others' businesses like it actually affects their own lives. Great plan, right?"

Breathe, Youngjae. Breathe. You can do this. It's just another woman with an attitude problem. You've met some here and all you got to do is listen and advise them. You can try to make her trust you so in return, she'll keep your secret.

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I'M DOING VULGAR THINGS. I'm a host, not a stripper! Why is she threatening me like I did something unforgivable?

But wait, she's not really threatening me anyway. She's informing me her plans calmly. But she has this air of danger around her that makes you wanna go hide. Or else you'll die.

"I thought you're supposed to be entertaining me? Why are you just standing there? Am I supposed to be entertained?" she asks with an eyebrow raised.

"Um... Well... Do you want to talk about something? I heard you're having a game with your friends," I carefully say.

"Well, I want you to sit down and stop acting like you're a tree on some kids' play."

Okay, okay! I'm sitting. Is she really this quick-witted?

"Closer. How are we going to talk when you're like two yards away?"

Then closer it is!

"Hmm..." she stares at me with lips pursed. She inspects every inch of me and I want to feel awkwardness but I'm already used to those actions because of this job.

"Can't you remove your mask? It's distracting to talk to someone without seeing their eyes. You know, the eyes express the truth."

"Sorry, it's the protocol. So we can keep our identities."

"But I already know who you are."

"Even so. If you're going to open up about your problems, it's assured I won't tell anyone because I've been paid. On your side, you can't tell anyone who we are because of the mask."

"But I don't have a problem and, again, I know who you are."

The mask is the only thing holding my expression. If I remove it, I might just show her how scared I am. How stubborn can this girl be? And wait, is she really that perfect? "Everyone has problems. If you don't have one, God might take you."

"Okay, give me a minute to create a problem. God can't take me yet. The angels won't be able to handle my sass."

Why is it that females around me are so hard to understand?

My eyes go to her knees. I'm not checking her out, alright! She just keeps tapping her feet while thinking so I can't help but look. And wow, does she have to wear this kind of... cloth just because she's got great skin?

Again, I'm not checking her out!

"Can I have your blazer?" I point at the useless piece of clothing draped over her shoulder.

She looks at me and weighs my words. "What for?"

"Just..." I gently help her out of it.

"Woah, boys really like helping girls undress, huh?" she says which I ignore. The way she smiles is as if she actually enjoys being undressed.

After getting it off her, I lay it on her exposed thighs.

"There, it's covered," I say and sigh in relief. She gives me a blank expression though.

"What?" she asks with disbelief etched on her face.

"Well, your dress is too short. Now you won't feel cold."

"Then why didn't you just take your shirt off and give it to me? Why take my blazer? Goodness! I thought you're finally up to something!"

"But I don't have an undershirt. I'll get cold if I take this off," I explain and she scoffs. "And what were you expecting anyway? What do you mean I'm up to something?

"Are you kidding me? Aren't you used to having others see your body? You're working as a callboy—"

"Host."

"You're practically selling yourself so there's no difference."

I can't help but clench my jaw. Looks like she doesn't understand it. "I am working as a host, someone who entertains women who want to temporarily forget their problems. That doesn't necessarily mean that I give them a lap dance or whatever improper things you're thinking of."

"Oh, so you've never had sex with any of your customers?"

Shit. "Don't... say that."

"I mean, you accompany them in these private rooms. What do you do? Play rock, paper, and scissors? Why would they pay a huge amount if all you will do is talk? You don't have to lie to me. As if it's a big deal to me if someone is not a virgin anymore. My friends have been active for years."

"Stop it," I warn her.

"You can spend an awful lot of time convincing people that you're not doing anything vulgar here but that'll be completely useless. In the end, you're paid to pleasure others, no matter what method you're using. They will think whatever they want. So why bother telling me that you're a host and not a callboy?"

"Because I don't want you to think that I'm like that."

She stares at me again. She's always doubting what I say.

"Tell me... Are you a virgin?"

SHIT.

"You've never had sex before?"

WHY IS SHE LIKE THIS?

"Oh my God, really?"

I push her down and hover her. I see surprise flicker on her eyes but she quickly regains her poise.

"Is this what you want? You keep on insulting me so I'll do this?" I hope she doesn't notice how nervous I am.

To my mother and all other honourable women in my life, please forgive me for doing this to a supposedly fragile being like you all are. This girl is really getting on my nerves.

"So what? As if you can do something? You can't even stand hearing the words virgin or se—"

Gathering my courage, I put my face closer to hers, only about an inch distance remaining. I'm getting cross-eyed but I have to endure or else she'll humiliate me more. It's not that I can't stand hearing... those words. I just think they should be use properly. And I can actually do something. Why does she think I'm as innocent as a kid?

"You might regret it if I actually do something."

She gives me her trademark mocking laugh that I only hear on the hallways as she bullies the poor freshmen. "Why? Will I feel disgusted to sit beside a lousy kisser everyday at school?"

That's the last straw.

I kiss her.


	2. Chapter 2

> **POV: Yours**

 

 ****Confirmed: Choi Youngjae is a virgin.

But a lousy kisser? I might be a little wrong on that part. He even had the nerve to trace the bottom of my lip with his tongue.

Is he testing me?

I grab his collar and kiss him hungrily. He responds immediately, as if he's obliged to. And he is. He is paid to do that. And he's the one who started this, so he might as well finish it. I can feel him trying to keep up on my pace. He's holding on the couch to support his weight. I seem to be the one leading the kiss now. We're going nowhere because he's not taking any advances anymore. How boring.

I pull away abruptly. He tries to catch my lips and looks a bit embarrassed to do so. He sits up and waits for his breath to become even. I'm used to kissing roughly so this doesn't affect me a bit.

Good thing I have smudge-proof lipstick.

"Okay... that wasn't bad but I've had better. We can work on that, don't worry," I tell him.

"What work on that? I just did that so you'll shut up. I'm not amused by your insults. You don't know the reason why I'm working here."

"And I'm not interested in knowing anyway. Fine, I won't spread rumours about you if you grant my request." But they're not just plain rumours anyway. I can still use this vital info in the future. Ha!

He obviously looks relieved. His breathing goes back to normal and he faces me. "What is it?"

To be honest, when I saw him earlier, I found the answer to my problem. You might be thinking, what can be your problem if you're perfect like Y/N? Problem itself will probably get scared of coming closer to me.

But then again, it's hard to be pretty so that may count as my biggest problem. And might as well tell this guy what he needs to do. He looks like a lost puppy. How does he survive this cruel world?

Anyway...

"Let me live with you."

He stares at me as it sinks in. "Why? You're ditching them?"

"I said live, not leave. Let me stay at your house, in other words."

And now he's shocked. What's with this guy? He seems so naive. I can read his thoughts from his expressions.

"You're rich but you want to stay on my place? Do you even know where I live? It's not like your mansion."

"Did I ask you why you're working here? Stop being nosy. I just want to stay somewhere for the meantime. Say no if you can't comply."

"What do you even mean by stay? Are you going to sleep there for the night?"

"For three months or so."

"Three months?! Then why don't you just get an apartment?" he's completely appalled. Someone help him.

"I got a condo unit for my 16th birthday. If you just use your brain, you might have realised that I can't stay where they can trace me, alright?"

"Why? Are you running away from home?"

I would've slapped my forehead if I'm some overreacting dork. "My god, isn't it obvious? Why would I stay on a callboy's house if I can live comfortably on our mansion?"

"I am not a call—"

"Fine, fine. Host. Whatever. Just kiss me again when you get pissed off."

He groans. "Can you forget about that? Why are you running away from home?"

Can I forget that? Probably not. "I just want to. Do I need a valid reason?"

"Of course! What, you want your parents to look for you just because you're bored?"

"Why are you the one complaining? Are you my dad?"

"No, but I'm the one who will suffer. You don't even look like you can do household chores. How will you live?"

"That's why you're here. You look like someone who can cook, wash clothes, and whatever things that can ruin my nail art. You think I chose to live with you just because you're a good kisser?"

"AH!" he dishevels his own hair. What's wrong with him? Should I call an exorcist? "I don't understand you. Are you drunk?"

"I just had two shots of Bloody Mary. I'm fine."

"Do you really have to run away and live with me? Please, tell me seriously."

Run away and live with him? That's probably a fantasy some innocent girl would think. I won't ever have the privilege to think that way. Everything I do has a dark reason, sad to say.

I look at him in the eye. "I'm serious. I need a place to stay."

He sighs. So I guess I won?

* * *

"What do you mean you're leaving? It's only 11:30!" Katy whines. She's the reason why I'm here. It's her Bachelorette Party.

"Cinderella is my new name. I'll call you, okay? And I'll definitely be at your wedding."

"Cinderella even stayed until midnight," she murmurs. "You must bring a boyfriend at the wedding. I don't want you rolling your eyes at me and Yugyeom."

Oh, you can go ahead and make out in front of me. I don't really care. "Yeah, whatever. See you when I see you then."

I left the table to find Dany. She's the one who dared me so I'll remind her to send my Versace dress on my new address.

"Where are you going?" someone shouts at my ear. Now I know why he's the singing prodigy. He can shout and still sound great.

"I'll just say goodbye to my friend," I told him. I look for Dany and quickly notice her blazing red hair. "She's just right there."

"I'm coming with you."

He holds my elbow and leads me to where Dany is dancing. Well, what can I say... after sharing a kiss with him, he seems to be open with skinship now?

"Y/N!" Dany notices me among the crowd. Her eyes go to Choi's hold on me while my eyes go to the guy she's with. I raise my eyebrow at her. She smiles and holds her companion's arm. "You remember Winston?"

"The guy who told the student body that he slept with me? Nope. Doesn't ring any bell," I say with a straight face.

The asshole laughs aloud. Dany seems oblivious of this fact as she looks so shocked.

"Move on, Y/N. That's 3 years ago. We can make it come true now, you know."

"Dream on, Winston. You've been wishing for that since 3 years ago but it will never come true, you know," I say in an equal arrogant tone.

"Let's go," I feel Choi tug on my arm like a little kid who wants to go home.

I turn to Dany. "I won the dare. I need the dress for the wedding."

"Yeah, I'll call you," she says with a smile but I know she's thinking of something. So she was planning to date this guy huh?

"Don't hang out with that Winston much. He's your sister's ex," I whisper before walking away. We may be party girls but we have morals. Surely Dany won't offend her sister.

* * *

"Can we grab a few more drinks before we go home? I can still taste the Bloody Mary. I need to drink something else," I ask as we walk away from them.

"Well, you don't get drunk easily right? So I guess you'll be fine on the way home? You won't cause a scene at the bus station?

I order five glass of blowjob from the bartender before answering "Why do we have to commute? I have my car."

"Then you can't drink if you're going to drive!"

"Then you can drive so I can drink!"

"But I don't know how to drive!"

Jesus Christ. I look at him incredulously. "Are you kidding me?!"

"No."

The bartender puts my orders down with a wink. His eyes turn to my escort who has grabbed the glasses in the blink of an eye.

"You're driving so I'll drink these."

"But—"

"Just drink coffee later at home if you want to get rid of the bloody mary's taste.

He picks up a glass and drinks it straight. He winces but finishes the five of them anyway. You'll regret this boy. You'll be the one needing coffee.

I raise an eyebrow at the bartender who is still staring at him. He left, flustered for whatever reason. Well, I do have an idea but whatever.

* * *

I quickly kiss him after he shuts the door. He seems surprised at first but then he put his arms around me and his lips softens. I knot my fingers through his hair and pull him closer. His hand went south, from my face slowly to my waist. The other on my back to press me closer. His lips goes down to my neck.

Okay, that was supposed to be a goodnight/thank you kiss but if he's in the mood to have fun, who am I to refuse?

"Where's your room?" I ask. He doesn't answer but carries me up the stairs. It seems effortless even though I'm not short myself. I had thought he's just a normal guy who doesn't go to gym but I can feel his muscles tightening.

So mysterious, Choi Youngjae.

We don't bother to shut the door or open the lights. He puts me down his bed and kisses me again. It is harsher this time; he even bites my lower lip and takes the chance to put his tongue in. His hands go to the hem of my fitted dress. I quickly stop him.

"Why?" he asks, eyes distracted.

"The zipper's at the back," I put my arms around his neck to support myself as I sit up on his lap. Then I guide his hand to where the zipper was, leaning my body in the process. I don't want him ripping my dress. I only brought few.

He slowly pulls down the zipper and trails kisses on my neck. My breasts get exposed when he pulls my dress over my head. It was a tube dress with a thin layer of cushion on the breast part so I didn't bother to wear a bra.

I laugh when I see his expression.

"Were you serious when you said you've never had sex?"

"Huh?" he couldn't take his eyes off them. "I didn't say that..."

"Oh my God, you were?" shock eminent on my voice. I didn't expect him to be this much virgin. I mean, shouldn't he be at least familiar with the process or know how to not look dumb while staring at my boobs? He's 22, for goodness sake. And a pretty good looking one.

"I'm sorry! I didn't want to taint your mind. How about you go to sleep now? Okay? I'll go find my room by myself," I say gently as I pick up my clothes.

I feel like I've harassed him. I told you, even though my friends and I sleep around, we still have morals. If Dany won't do anything to hurt her family, mind would be avoiding to deal with inexperienced people. I don't want to be someone's regret. He might have wanted this right now but he'll hate me once the aphrodisiac wears out. Yeah, the bartender put something on the drinks that's why he looked anxious when Choi drank them instead.

"But... what should I do about my..."

I look back at him and find him sitting at the edge of the bed, the lost puppy look back. What's wrong with... Fuck, I get it. God help the innocent. IS HE TALKING ABOUT HIS BONER? WHO TALKS ABOUT THEIR BONER WHILE LOOKING LIKE THAT?

"I'm pretty sure you know how to do it yourself?" Why am I the one feeling embarrassed at this situation! Damn it!

"You're not going to help me?"

"Oh, Jesus, no. I can't. I don't really like going down to someone. I am so sorry." I FUCKING APOLOGISED. HOW THE HELL DID HE MAKE ME DO THAT?

"Okay... I guess, I'll see you in the morning?"

Did he just accepted it? He's not going to force me? Dude, he's messed up. Is he even normal? It's not like I'm a masochist, alright. I just expected that with the alcohol and aphrodisiac in his system, he will lose the good guy facade. It was not a facade! He really is pure!

"You can take the room at the end of the hall. It has a separate bathroom. Good night, Y/N."

And with that, he curls like a fetus and drift to sleep.

What the fuck just happened?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italicised lines were sung.

> **POV: Youngjae**

 

"Mr. Choi, if you find my class boring, you're free to get the hell out of here," the bald professor says after catching me yawn.

"Damn it, Baldy, who gave your saliva the right to land on my skin?" my seatmate says while wiping her arm with a tissue filled with alcohol. I can smell how much she put on it.

"And you, Ms. Y/L/N, I'm tired of your foul mouth. Get out of this room with your good-for-nothing seatmate!"

"I know something he's good at but I'll keep it to myself," she winks at the professor before walking out with her chin up. It takes me a few moment before getting what she means.

That... girl! When I woke up this morning, I had a terrible headache and I dreamt of something horrifying! But why would I even dream about kissing her on my bed? And how can I remember it if it's just a dream? Which leads to the answer: It isn't a dream and she took advantage of me!

With my bagpack on one hand, I go out of the room to follow the Queen Bee.

"Y/N!" I call out but she doesn't bother to stop walking. I run to catch up and grab her arm. Lightly, of course. I don't want to hurt her.

"That's where Baldy's saliva landed."

I quickly let her arm go to wipe my hand on my pants.

"Gullible," she whispers to herself before walking away again. This girl, seriously!

"Hey, I thought we had a deal. You said you won't tell anyone about my work on a host club if I let you live under my roof?"

"Yeah, so? Did I say anything about your deep secret?" she rolls her eyes.

"Then what was that you're saying earlier? About me being good at something?"

"At singing, obviously. Aren't you a band vocalist? What else would I mean?"

Oh. Is that it? I thought... But... "Well, if it's coming from you, of course I'll think of something else!"

She stops to face me so I have to step back to avoid colliding. "You know, I've been wondering... How can you study in an international school if you don't have that kind of money?"

"None of your business."

"Maybe one of your clients paid for your schooling in exchange of sexual pleasures."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I am not a callboy!"

"Oh, you don't need to remind me. I witnessed last night. How... inexperienced."

I mess my hair. How can she be this frustrating? "What more do you need? Can't you just stay in my place and pretend we don't know each other at school?"

"I'm hungry. Can you eat with me?" she asks with a smile, as if I didn't just say anything. I don't know what to do with her anymore!

"Will you stop messing up with me after that?"

"If you eat me."

I sigh. "Eat WITH you. Not eat you."

"I know. I speak four languages fluently. Come!"

* * *

"Does your banana taste good?"

I choke. Help me.

She hands me a bottle of water while laughing. I quickly drink all of it before putting it down, along with the banana I don't think I'll ever eat again. "You're a girl, right?"

"Of course. Do you need physical evidence?"

Here she goes again. "Don't you feel embarrassed of what you're saying?"

"My vajayjay doesn't give my mouth a filter. Sorry."

Please send help. I'll lose my hair out of irritation. "How did you become that..."

"What?"

"That..."

"This pretty? Sexy? Hot? Good in be—"

"That lewd!"

She rolls her eyes again. "Do you know why they call me the Queen Bee here?"

"Cause you act like a queen you're not?"

"Nah uh. It's because I strut like Beyoncé."

"So how does that relate to my question?"

"My point is, I'm already this way so why do you have to know the history of my vocabulary? I can tell you how I learned each and every vulgar word I know but you might not be able to take it and need to go under baptism again to cleanse your mind."

"Then can you please avoid talking like that in front of me? You're living in my house."

"Because you asked me to keep your dirty little secret. So you can't make that a reason to shut me up for other things."

"Then what more do you want? I treated you!" I gesture at the food we bought.

"As if I'll get full by a cup of yogurt."

"Then why just order that?"

"Ah! I know!" She wasn't listening to me at all. It's like her sass has its own identity. It will come out while she works her way to another bright idea.

"Why don't you sing for me?"

* * *

"After you hear me sing, will you stop saying vulgar things in front of me?" I ask while positioning on the keyboards.

We're in the band's practice room, near the auditorium.

"Yep. I've never heard you sing even when we were in high school. I'm kinda curious," she says while roaming around, touching whatever catches her attention.

"Huh? But I always perform at programs."

"Well, on pageants, I'm always on the dressing room, trying to stay perfect. I prefer listening to classic songs."

"Is that so? Then what song would you like to hear?"

"Hm... What's your favourite song?"

"I have many so don't ask me. Choose one for yourself."

"Then how about you sing something that reminds you of me?"

Hmm... That's interesting. Is there a song that irritates me to the core? Wait... "I thought of something. But this isn't on my perspective. I just think it's perfect for you because it's like the singer is describing you."

"Then it is on your perspective, You're the singer."

"No, Ed Sheeran is the original. He made it for someone like you."

"God. Just sing!"

I start playing even though I haven't tried playing it on keyboards even once. The song is popular anyway and I hear it on the club downstairs of where I work.

 

_"The club isn't the best place to find a lover_

_So the bar is where I go_

_Me and my friends at the table doing shots_

_Drinking fast, and then we talk slow_

_And you come over and start up a conversation with just me_

_And trust me, I'll give it a chance now_

_Take my hand, stop_

_Put Van the Man on the jukebox_

_And then we start to dance_

_And now I'm singing like_

_Girl, you know I want your love_

_Your love was handmade for somebody like me_

_Come on now, follow my lead_

_I may be crazy, don't mind me_

_Say: Boy—"_

 

_"Boy, let's not talk too much_

_Grab on my waist and put that body on me_

_Come on now, follow my lead_

_Come, come on now, follow my lead..."_

 

I stop playing. She can sing?

"Why did you stop? You can't even say that you're in love with my body?"

"You sing?"

"Are you stupid? I just did."

She may not be nice but at least her voice is. "Okay, so I sang for you. You can't talk that way in front of me anymore."

"Why are you so sensitive? It's just words. It's not like I'm taking my clothes off in front of you, which I doubt you would ask to stop if I really do."

I take a deep breath. "Not all guys are the same as those you meet on bars or clubs or wherever you go to have fun. Yes, you're pretty. Yes, you're hot. But that doesn't mean everyone thinks of sleeping with you. So you don't have to provoke them by saying your thoughts out loud. I know you want to feel appreciated but sometimes, you might go overboard and get into a bad situation."

She looks at me curiously. "I think you're gay."

When will she ever say something relevant? "Nice try. I won't kiss you anymore even if you keep on saying that."

"No, seriously, I think you're gay. Since high school, I haven't heard any rumours about you. Maybe that's why you're a virgin."

"Hey! We had a deal. No vulgar talks."

She rolls her eyes for the umpteenth time just as the door opens. Bambam, my bandmate, stops entering after seeing who I'm with.

"Oh, Bambam into the roof!" she greets while flirtatiously waving at him. I'm in the midst of giving up on controlling her. I'm not even half surprised that she knows Bambam. She probably has all of the guys on the area memorised.

"Youngjae, why is Y/N here?" Bambam asks with a very confused look. Like the probability that she and I are together equates to impossible.

"We're just talking about something," I answer but he's not convinced. Of course he won't be. I'm with someone who doesn't just 'talk' to a guy.

"I was looking for an instrument to learn and found Youngji here so I asked him if I can try his keyboard."

What Youngji? She made me a girl? Does she seriously think I'm gay?

"Is that so...?" seems like Bambam is starting to believe her. What a great actress.

"Say, can I try your guitar too? I think it will suit me better."

You can flash your best smile but Bambam won't let you lay a finger on his—

"Sure!"

Okay. I quit.

"Youngjae, the VP for Ex. Cu. Wants to see you by the way. It's about the label," Bambam turns to me and if that's my cue to leave then so be it.

"Would you be okay here?"

"Are you asking me?" Y/N presumes with a grin.

"No. I'm asking Bambam. I don't know what you'll do to him."

"Oh, don't worry. He'll have fun with me," she says with a wink.

That's exactly my point. I don't think we have the same definition of fun.


	4. Chapter 4

> **POV: Yours**

 

"I think guitar won't work for me either. My nails are usually long," I tell Bambam with a smile. He explained to me the basics but I don't even want to try holding the thing. It looks heavy.

"You're right. You'll find it hard if you have long nails. Why do you even want to learn an instrument? Don't you have modelling as hobby?"

That's how I met Bambam. We once worked on a photoshoot together. I don't let myself be alone with any strange man you know. I've met Bambam and I know he's nice.

"Modelling bores me nowadays."

"Well it will be boring because you're already a pro at it. How about we go grab something to eat and try to think of something else?"

Yes! A decent meal! To be honest, I was embarrassed to ask Choi to pay for me earlier. That's why I only ordered a yogurt. You see, there are assholes who will give me lavish gifts just to get in my pants. But I have friends like Bambam who will just treat me to McDonalds because they know that I like being low-key.

And then there's Youngjae who I have to threaten just to buy me something. I like how he doesn't do anything I ask out of want. He doesn't have any agenda.

* * *

"So how did you two meet?" Bambam asks after putting down the tray. I quickly take my chicken nuggets.

"We're high school schoolmates. He's pretty popular, having that golden voice."

"I know, right? Isn't he amazing? He manages to get good grades even though he's in the band. And he's even taking Finance. Number will drive me crazy! Wait, you're also taking Finance, right?"

"Yeah. I'm seatmates with Youngji so we're... close." Yeah, define that closeness. We live on the same apartment now but he wants to pretend that we don't even know each other.

"Really? He never mentioned you, actually. Not that he likes talking about his life that much anyway. But if I have someone as a friend, I would at least bring him up once, right? Why have I never heard that he's friends with you?"

Ah, that's probably what his big lips are for. He's like Dany's male version.

"Why is the VP for Ex. Cu calling Youngji?" I ignore all his nonsense questions and give mine instead.

"I think it's about the label. There are a lot of companies offering a contract for the band and even for Youngjae to go solo. So he meets with the VP to review the offers as the band's representative."

"Really? So you're going to be recording artists?"

"I hope so. I mean, I can't blame Youngjae if he chooses to go solo. He's the one leading the group anyway. Without him, we won't even be noticeable."

"Oh, but I'm sure he'll include you guys. He seems really nice," I say though I'm not really sure if he is. He might be innocent but that doesn't equate to being nice. He's never been nice to me anyway.

"You seem to be really close, huh? Are you actually seeing each other and I ruined your moment earlier?"

"Gosh, no. I know the country thinks I'm a slut but I'm not always slutting."

He doubles up. "Oh my God, don't even try to talk that way in front of Youngjae. He doesn't like hearing those kind of words. One time, he heard our bassist bragging about devirginizing a girl and they got into a fight."

"Wow, what a perfect gentleman. He's like a Prince Charming," note an ounce of my sarcasm. I think he is more of a guy who would die second on a horror film because of his stupidity. Cause the guy in who talks most is the first one. And it's the one in front of me right now.

"He has to be. Almost everyone knows him. He needs to maintain good grades so the school will let him work while studying. The record labels are also looking for good mannered students because we will be their face. It's not all about talent. He really needs to be flawless."

See. He really talks a lot.

I drink my pineapple juice while thinking. Why does Youngji work on that place if he needs to maintain a good reputation? Why is he desperate to earn big money?

"Where are his parents?" I ask.

"At home?" he answers as if it's obvious.

"No, they're not. He's living alone."

"You mean on his apartment? Yeah, he lives there alone because their house is at the countryside. Didn't you go to the same high school?"

"So he moved to the city alone?"

"Yeah, so he can be nearer the school. And actually, he's been renting to own that place. I think after five more years, it will be his. Isn't he great?"

He has money to buy the place? This is getting more interesting. "He seems to be really responsible."

"That's why I look up to him!" Bambam says abstractedly.

"Don't be silly. He's great but he's sulky and a little aloof. At least you're sociable."

He laughs again. Why is everything so light with this guy? "I actually never expected that I could talk to you this way. It's like you're so up there, you know. Thankfully, you're interested in Youngjae. Now we can be good friends."

"I'm not interested in him," and I won't call you a good friend right away dude.

"Then how come you even know that he lives alone? Don't think I didn't notice that."

I roll my eyes. "Can you just shut up and let me eat my food in peace?"

"Okay, okay, chill."

* * *

"You don't have classes?" I ask when I hear the door open.

Youngji arrives, looking frazzled. It's only 8:30. Shouldn't he be at Haven?

"How did you get in here? You didn't have a key," he asks back as if I didn't ask him a question first. Why does he seem so fazed?

"Hairpin," I answer simply.

"What?" he walks to me like a mother wanting to scold her child.

"I used a hairpin to pick the lock. You should change it to an electronic one. You'll get robbed easily," I turn of the TV using the remote I've been tossing the whole time I'm supposed to be watching.

"Where did you even learn to lockpick?" he picks up the food wrappers lying around.

I don't answer so he continues cleaning for the next fifteen minutes. He changes to comfortable clothes after... a red t-shirt with jersey shorts. He's also wearing some fuzzy slippers.

"Hey, Winnie the Pooh, you didn't answer my question earlier," I say with my eyes on my phone, as he walks across me, from his room to the kitchen.

"Winnie the Pooh?" he stops right in front of me.

"Don't you have work?" I repeat, now looking at him. Goodness, is he training my patience? I shock myself of how long I can deal with him.

He starts walking to the kitchen again. "We can go or not go to Haven whenever we want. When we work after 11 pm, we get paid double."

I stay where I'm sitting and continue playing with my phone. I shouldn't appear too interested. "How much do you earn a day?"

"$50 an hour."

"And you work for how many hours?"

"If there's something to do in school tomorrow, I only stay around three hours. I go there by 8 and go home by 11. I go to sleep and wake up around 7 AM. Then I prepare for whatever there is at school."

"So if you don't have school stuffs to do?"

"I'm at Haven from 7 PM to 12 AM."

"Don't you regret having this job? Your perfect prince charming reputation can get ruined."

When he doesn't answer, I look at the kitchen where he's seriously kneading dough. So all this time that we were talking, he was mixing flour, eggs, and all the little things?

I stand up from his little couch, throwing my dreary phone in the process. I walk to lean on the counter beside him.

How cute. The innocent bean likes baking. I should've known. He's made of cupcakes and rainbows and sunshine and positivity. I hate it.

"What are you doing?" I friendly ask.

"Donuts," he answers a little sarcastically. This little... well didn't see if he's actually big. Anyway...

I smile sweetly. "Would you like me to give you a hand..."

"You can bake?"

"...job? I meant a handjob," I snicker. Dude, I'm not yet finished.

He sighs. What? I was just trying to help!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Depiction of character's illness

> **POV: Youngjae**

 

"Youngjae..."

I quickly smile when I hear her say my name. Her eyes open and I had the urge to kiss her hand that I'm holding. I sigh when my lips touch the ring I gave her a year ago.

"Hi," I greet her with another smile. She mirrors it but her eyes are still tired. "Did you have a good sleep?"

She makes a sound of approval. "I thought angels were welcoming me to heaven with their song. Turns out it was you. When did you come?"

"Not that long. I brought something for you," I put up the plastic bag.

"Ice cream?" she gives me my favourite smile of hers.

"You're not allowed to eat ice cream," I remind her.

"Oh, right. Then chocolates?"

"Maybe..."

"So it's something that's chocolate flavoured?"

"You're getting there."

"Is it chocolate flavoured ice cream?!"

"You're not allowed to eat ice cream," I repeat while pinching her cheeks lightly. How can she be so adorable?

"Fine. Then donuts," she says with feign disappointment.

"Oh, how did you know they are?" I pull out the bag of donuts I baked personally. She smiles widely while taking them and sniffs the scent excitedly.

"Because this is the only thing I've taught you and you're lazy to learn something new," she says teasingly.

"Yes, I'm lazy. But you love, right?" I tease back.

"Of course I do!"

* * *

I've been in love with this girl for five years now. Park Jisoo, or simply Jihyo. Some may say that she's not eye-catching that's why she isn't as popular as Y/N back in high school. They were both leaders of their group Y/N being the cheerleader while Jihyo is the main vocalist of the school choir.

So how did we actually end up together? Even I didn't expect it. I just found myself spending time with her because we have the same taste in music and soon, we became really good friends. I realise soon after that she's something I really treasure, that I will do everything to make her happy.

"I have something to tell you," I start to say as she eats the donuts I brought.

"You look really serious. What is it?" she asks with a gentle smile, knowing that I'm not the type to announce something before saying it.

I take a deep breath. "Well, do you still remember Y/N back in high school?"

Her smile becomes wider for some reason. I think she's the only one capable to smile happily after hearing Y/N's name. "Of course! Why? Did you meet her? It's been a long time since I've seen her."

"Haven't I mentioned that we're classmates?"

"Really? I didn't know! Wow, small world!"

Why does she look so happy? Are they close? Not that there's something wrong with it. They're just... different so who would've thought? "We're seatmates, actually, but I never really talked to her. The first time was last week when I met her at work."

She becomes serious as she puts down her food. She doesn't know that I work as a host so maybe she's thinking that I met Y/N at a gig. "And?"

"Well, she asked me if she can stay at our place for the meantime. And... I let her."

She nods but remains thinking seriously. I feel my heart ache. I don't want to upset her but it will hurt her more if she learn it later.

"I'm sorry. It's our house. I should've asked you first. I just really didn't have a choice then. But I can still ask her to move out."

"Wait, why would you do that?" suddenly, she becomes defensive. She's almost scolding me.

"What?"

"Did she tell you what happen? Did her parents throw her out or did she finally run way? You see, she's been compared to her older sister all her life so I know was waiting for her to stand up for herself. If she's studying Finance like you, that means her parents forced her to take something related to their business, instead of her passion. I wouldn't be surprised if she finally had enough. She's been suffering for awhile."

Among everything she said, I can only ask her one thing. "You're not angry?"

She almost laugh. But I really thought she's going to get angry! "Why would I be?"

"Well, I let a girl stay on our house."

"So? She needs to stay somewhere. What's wrong with that?"

"We're staying at the same house. Just the two of us," I clarify because she doesn't get my point.

"I know. Why? It's not like you're going to do something that will hurt me, right?"

I don't deserve an angel like her. And she doesn't deserve a liar like me. How I wish I can take away all her pain but aside from her illness, I myself will be the cause of her pain.

* * *

 

> **POV: Yours**

 

"That's not a good face to see in the morning," I say when I find a problematic Youngji by the dining table. Looks like he forgot to drink the coffee in front of him since the steam is gone.

"Y/N, do you know any quick job?"

Oh, I can do things like quick-ie and hand-job but he looks serious so I'll try not to bring it up. And did he just call me by my name? "There's no such thing as easy work anymore. You have to work hard for every penny you need."

"You don't work hard for the money you spend. Your parents just give it to you," he retorts. Is he trying to piss me off while looking like he lost himself? Seriously, what's wrong with him?

I walk to him and sit on the table, just beside his cup of coffee. "How much do you need?"

His eyes quickly light up. How simple. "Are you going to lend me money? Wait, didn't you run away from home? If you use your cards, your parents might trace you."

"I have cold cash here. So, again, how much do you need?"

"Are you seriously going to give me money."

I scoff. "Dream on. I need someone to do something and I think you're perfect for it."

He slightly moves away. What is it now? He looks nervous. "Is it legal?"

I roll my eyes. "Does being someone's date have to be written on the Constitution?"

"Huh? Date?"

His innocence is getting on my nerves. "If you didn't hear back in the club, Katy said that I should bring a boyfriend on her wedding. So if you are willing to play the part, then I'll be willing to pay the price."

"I'll pretend to be your boyfriend? Can't you just pull any of your boytoys?"

"Sadly, they'll see through my plan if I'm with someone who says yes to everything I want. At least you won't hesitate to counter me. It's what you've been doing since we first met."

"But I don't even know you that much. How can I pretend that I love you?"

"Do you really have to be dramatic? I thought you need the money? Why does it seem like I'm the one in need here?"

He stops to think. Maybe he really needs the money so bad. Normally, he will reject my proposal without even hearing the details.

"How much?" he asks after a while.

"Depends. You have to accompany me to the wedding ceremony and the reception after that. I'll pay for the time you spent with me."

"When is that?"

"On Sunday. The wedding starts at 9 while the reception is at lunch. We'll stay there until the bride throws the bouquet since I want to know if I'm going to meet my future husband soon."

He looks at me as if I said something stupid. What? I'm serious here.

"Until when are we staying there?"

"Until around four, I guess."

"And you'll pay right after?"

"Uh huh."

"How much exactly?"

I purse my lips before answering. "Will 15 000 be enough?"

His eyes widen. Okay, should I start just observing his expression and put him on mute? Cause I'm pretty sure I can figure out what he wants to say with just his reactions.

"15 000? Are you serious?"

"Well, I said it depends. If you're impressive, I might add few more hundreds."

And look, he's already a hundred percent into it. I can see it in his now panicked eyes. "Wait, what am I suppose to wear? I don't have a formal attire."

"We'll shop later."

"Will it be deducted from my—"

"No, it's on me. Spare me with the lost puppy look."

He finally picks up his coffee and drink it straight. I want to ask why he seems to be desperate to earn money but I guess I'm not in the position. We're not friends but I have a kind heart so I thought of helping him.

And Dany said she'll give me a YSL bag if I bring a decent boyfriend. All is fair.


	6. Chapter 6

> **POV: Youngjae**

 

It was our anniversary when I learned about Jihyo's illness. I prepared a surprise for her then. I was supposed to pick her up from school and take her to an ice cream buffet. But when I got to her school, her classmates said she called sick today. And when I called her phone, a man answered.

At first I got confused. The man said she found the owner of the phone lying unconscious by the street and had took her to the hospital where he is in now. I thought it was a prank, that Jihyo also has a surprise for me, so I decided to play along and go there.

Well, I was surprised, alright. But not in the way I was expecting. I saw there, alive but lifeless than she ever had been. The doctor informed me that she should start the medication now or else, it will be too late.

After that, we never went out again. Worse came to worst and now, they said it's a miracle that she's still alive.

* * *

I was already at the door when I remember that Y/N wouldn't be home. To be honest, I didn't want to talk to her before because she's friends with Jihyo's bullies. She may not have directly hurt Jihyo but still, she could've stopped her friends, right? I know I should be more open-minded about it but maybe I regret not making Jihyo happy while I had the chance.

I take the money I've been saving up for a month now. If Y/N gives me the 15 000 tomorrow, it still won't be enough. It's like this everytime. We always don't have enough money for her treatment. I've spent countless, sleepless night at Haven just so I can earn most I can. I almost agreed to a customer's indecent proposal before because he offered a huge amount. But I knew I can't do it. I won't ever do that.

I remember kissing Y/N. I couldn't bring myself to tell Jihyo about it because I know she'll break. Even I myself don't know why I did that. Was I that lonely? Did I want to forget for a while? But why would I want to forget? I love Jihyo. I won't forget her.

Am I tired? But I can't be tired. I can't give up. If I do, then I will lose Jihyo. If I let go just slightly, it'll be the end.

* * *

> **POV: Yours**

 

I watched Youngji as he wept last night. He didn't check the kitchen so he didn't know I searching his ref for food. I was about to let him know my presence but I saw him watering the money he's holding.

I don't know if what I felt for him was sympathy. I've never received it so I don't know how to give it too. I just wanted him to suck it last night since crying won't do any good anyway. Maybe that's the closest thing to sympathy I can give.

It's already 3:30 and I'm all set. Youngji went to his room around two so I'm sure he's only about to drowse off. But we really have to go so there's nothing I can do but wake him up.

"Hey loverboy, wakey, wakey!" I say as I pounce on his door. Hearing silence, I decide to use my ever so reliable lock-picking skill.

He's lying on his stomach so I slightly slap his behind. "You need to wake up and prepare now. I can drive on the first two hours while you catch your sleep on the car."

He doesn't answer. Of course, he's asleep.

Maybe I should turn him and slap his face? Too harsh?

"Choi Youngjae, open your eyes," I say and sit him down. Yeah, from his peaceful lying, I made him sit. I tilt his face but to no avail. "Alright, you leave me no choice."

* * *

We're halfway there when I feel Youngji stir.

"There's pancakes and coffee at the backseat. Eat and let's exchange. My legs are getting stiff."

He rubs his eyes and stares into nothing, probably trying to grasp of reality. Slowly, he blinks at me then to himself.

"Wait... what..." he notices what he's wearing. He puts down the mirror above him and almost shout. "What have you done to me?!"

"I dressed you. You didn't want to wake up so sadly, I had to help you. In fairness..." I look at his suit. It suits him. Wait, I sound like Bambam with that pun.

"You took advantage of me!" he exclaims while covering his body. How imaginative. As if I'll get something useful from what I did except be amused that he actually has abs.

"Just be thankful that I was able to drag you. Imagine, I'm wearing high heels and my dress is white. If I went out of balance because of your weight, we won't be able to leave on time."

"Then why didn't you just spill cold water on me to wake me up? You didn't have to touch my body!"

I roll my eyes. "Are you going to eat breakfast or do you actually have the energy to drive cause you're already shouting at me?"

He huffs. "Well, I don't know how to drive so I'll take the breakfast and sit back again."

Oh damn it.

* * *

"Y/N!" Dany almost jumps in glee when she spots me. She kisses me on the cheek and I just wish her lipstick is smudge proof like mine. "I thought you'll be a bitch and arrive later than the bride."

"It's Katy's day. I'll try to be in my best behaviour."

"Oh, I'll give anything to see that," she teases and notices something, someone, behind me. "And this is?" I look and find Youngji awkwardly looking around. "I think I've seen him."

"He's my date for today. Where can I make him sit?" I ask before she can remember that he's the guy from the club. She knows I never hang out with the same guy twice so she'll get ideas if she realises I'm still with a guy from last week.

"He can have the seat beside your assigned seat," Dany points at the first row.

I call my escort and point the seat using my lips. He nods and proceeds to go there.

"He's kinda hot. A businessman's son?" Dany quickly asks when he's out of sight.

I don't know what Youngji's parents do, actually. "Nope, I don't think so."

"Really? He looks a little... reserved. Not like your usual guys who are... friendly."

"Oh, you know me. I can socialize with all kinds of people."

"Yeah, you bring out the beast in them, sister," she winks at me so I laugh. Bad news, the guy with me is a pure angel. So far.

* * *

"Bridesmaids and groomsmen, please come in front," the photographer says so Dany and I race to Katy's side. Of course I won with my six inches platform heels.

"Girls!" Katy hugs both of us. I'm in the middle so I try not to slap them from squishing me.

"Dany, Y/N!" Yugyeom greets us and we exchange pleasantries. We're pretty cool with him too. He's a great guy.

"Congratulations, Kate. It's Dany's turn next," I say.

"You go first! That guy with you is a good catch," Dany shoves my shoulder playfully.

"Oh, you're with someone?" Yugyeom interjects. He knows I don't do boyfriends and it's kinda a big deal if I brought someone on their wedding.

"Katy told me I should bring someone so I just grabbed whoever," I quickly defend my reputation.

"Then tell him to join us, silly girl," Katy pinches my sides. I hate it when she does that!

"Youngji!" I call the busy man. He's on his phone but he quickly walks over when I wave at him.

"Hey, I know you. You're the vocalist of Project 7," Yugyeom tells him.

"Oh, hi," Youngji seems to recognise him too. "I didn't know it's your wedding. Congratulations."

"Thanks! Come, join the picture. You can stand beside Y/N."

"Oh, he'll be between us?" Dany says in excitement so I lightly pinch her cheek.

"No. You stand here between Katy and me."

"So territorial!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: character's opinion regarding kinks

> **POV: Yours**

 

After the wedding, I drove home and immediately fell asleep. I woke up the next morning, still dead tired, but Youngji's arrival makes me sit up. He's still wearing the suit from yesterday. So after we got home, he left again and only come back now?

"Where have you been?" I ask.

He puts his hand on his chest, as if startled. I've been on the couch the whole time he's taking off his shoes. Is he that distracted? "You scared me. Did you just wake up?"

"I asked first."

He sighs. "I had something to do. I'm tired. You can cook breakfast or something. I'll just sleep."

I stand up as he takes his tie off. He's that tired to not even care that he's undressing in front of me. Usually, he'll be very shy and even lock his door when he changes. Now I'm having a live show.

"You didn't sleep all night, did you? Were you with some girl?" I walk to where he is.

"I don't think it's your business," he snaps at me. Oh, he's groggy? Blue balls?

"It might be if you used the money I gave you just to be with some girl. I will not tolerate my little puppy acting like some wolf."

"What did you just say?" He looks up just after unbuttoning the ones on his neck. He looks so angry. And I'm starting to get angry for some reasons too.

"You, Sunshine, aren't the type to stay out all night messing with a girl. Who is she? How did she bring out the beast in you? Oh, is she a beast too?"

"You don't know what you're talking about so shut up right now."

He just told me to shut up? Who is he?

"Fine. Just don't come crying to me when you end up spending too much on her. Girls like me won't hang out with guys like you unless there's something to gain. You might have a lovely voice and it'll probably great at moaning but you're too innocent to make a girl feel good."

Fuck.

Why did I say those?

Why am I so pissed off?

So I was with him the whole day yesterday and we even danced at the wedding reception so I thought we were doing great. But he spent the whole night out, not even bothering to change clothes, and he didn't deny being with a girl. He's actually defending himself.

What is it to me? What is wrong with me? Am I actually...

What the fuck. No.

"Good thing she's not like you then. She's not materialistic and shallow," he says and finally shuts his door to my face.

Fuck.

Why did that hurt?

* * *

We spend the next days ignoring each other. On the third day, I couldn't handle it anymore. As much as it hurts my pride, I need a companion because being alone suffocates me. Katy is on honeymoon while Dany is busy. Youngjae is the closest thing to a friend I can have. It's time to apologise for what I said. Though I don't know why I said them, let alone why I should swallow my Eiffel Tower-high pride.

"What are you doing here?"

His voice is indifferent. Did I really offend him with what I said? Was he really with some girl he likes? Is that why he was so pissed? But I'd rather he dishevel his hair and glare at me than this.

"I paid so we can talk. You won't talk to me at home."

And I can't fight with him on his house. What if he suddenly kicks me out? At least here at Haven, his ride home can probably cool his mind before he can drag my Guccis out of the apartment.

"Because I don't have anything to say and you seem to have nothing worthy to say so... let's just keep that up," he turns to leave again. No.

"Stop! I paid! You should spend an hour with me!"

Suddenly, he rushes to me. He pushes me to the wall and though my back slightly hurts from the impact, it's the shock that overwhelms me.

I've kissed Youngjae. We've made out and though we're a bit drunk then, I can remember every detail. But I have never seen his eyes hold this much emotion. The intensity is suffocating me. Everything around him screams of butterflies and bubbles and cotton candies. But this is fire. This is a storm sucking me in. I don't know what happened that night he left but I know he changed.

"Is this what you want?"

"What?" I breathe out. I've never felt so short of breath. He's too close. He hates being close to me and yet now I'm the one feeling chills on my spine.

"Is this why you kept on saying those things? So I'll get angry and kiss you again? You keep on taking me too lightly. If you think I'm less of a man because I can't do rough things, then think again. You're pissing the shit out of me."

I tug at my lower lip. I'm scared. Youngjae never cussed.

"Tell me what you want. Are you here to humiliate me? Yes, you paid for my time back at the wedding and now here, but that doesn't give you the right to pry with my life. You'll never know where I spend those thousands and why I keep on wanting to earn more. Because you don't deserve to be part of my life. You don't deserve to see more than that pure facade I have to show the world."

Yes. I don't. I know. Even I am confused why I'm being like this.

"You're the one bringing out the beast in me, Y/N. You are confusing me. You are supposed to be just a snarky girl who's blackmailing me so she can have a place to stay. But then you'll go wanting more control. I don't understand how you can be so evil. It's like you're a curse bestowed on me."

But... I just wanted to ask where he was that night. And who could probably be with him. I... didn't want him to be this way. Could it be that I'm really... evil? Did I make such a pure man turn into this? Am I... a curse?

"Are you... crying?"

A hiccup comes out and I just want to shrink. His words hurt but I didn't realise I'll cry. I've never cried in front of everyone. I've always pretended that I'm invincible.

He backs away. I can't help but gasp as I try to stop myself from sobbing. But my chest aches so bad.

"Y/N... I'm... I'm sorry. I went overboard. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted you to understand that you're being too much."

I know. I know. I don't understand why I'm crying too.

"I'm really sorry. I just lost it. I don't know what's gotten into me. I don't want to blame you but you keep on insisting that I'm an angel so I had the urge to show you that I'm not. Just because I'm not as wild as the guys you've been with, doesn't mean you can make me seem any less."

I nod. I've learned my lesson. I shouldn't have said those. I now know that he can hurt me back tenfold. I really am shallow.

He's shaking. Both of us are. It probably took him all his might to stand up for himself. But that doesn't change the fact that he has a good heart and he will most likely deeply regret what he just did.

"Can I kiss you?"

I look up, unbelieving. Am I crying too hard that I'm suddenly hallucinating? But he's looking at me as if he's lost and that his suggestion is the only thing he can think of.

"I don't know how to make you stop crying. I remember kissing you in this room because you keep on provoking me. Will it work again?"

I don't answer. He wants to kiss me so I'll stop crying. How do I say that kissing me will probably confuse me more and I'll end up crying more?

His lips crush into mine without a warning. They are frozen there for seconds. My head swims but I think this is actually a great idea. Kissing him makes me focus on nothing but his warmth. It makes me forget what I've been thinking a while ago, what he said to hurt me because I hurt him, that our situation is a little fucked up.

His kiss makes it all go away. I've stopped crying and realise that there's nothing to cry about.

Choi Youngjae took me in because I blackmailed him. He kissed me that night because I kept on insulting him. We almost had sex because he drank the liquor supposedly for me. I've taken advantage of him a lot of times. Then I insult him for being the pure person that he is. I'm not evil as he said. I am way worse for corrupting him. But then he sees me crying and offers to kiss me because that's how he knows I'll shut up. How stupid of me to think that his innocence is a liability.

That's the part of him I adore. The part that I don't want to damage.

I really am a curse for him. But for me, he's a miracle that I won't ever understand why came to me yet I'll forever be thankful for meeting.

I try to wrap my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss but he stops me.

"I'm the one kissing you," he says while looking at me in the eye. I put my arms down as if chastised then he gently lifts my chin up. His hand is cold and I feel myself shiver.

And we kiss. For what seems like hours, we just keep on consoling each other through our lips. Somewhere in the middle of it, my nerves have calmed. I start to think why he could've thought of kissing me but maybe that's just him and his instinct to make sure that someone is okay.

I'm done taking advantage of him.

"I'm sorry," he breathes when I pull away.

"I'm sorry too," I tell him.

"Are you okay now?"

I nod. He holds my hand so he can lead me to the couch. His hand is as soft as his lips. And they comfort me in ways I never felt.

"Maybe we should talk now that we're both calm?" He lets go of my hand and I don't want to push my luck and ask for it.

Why am I being soft for Choi Youngjae? What's is wrong with me?

"First, thank you for the kiss."

Ah, this is why I'm soft. He's really pure. And I mean this as a compliment.

"Second, I'm sorry for all the bad things I've told you since last time. I was just really upset about something and I put it out on you."

"Upset? Why, what happened?"

"It's nothing, really. Just... I have some things going on with school and other stuffs..."

"Okay, what is it?"

He eyes me. What? He lashed out on me so I think I deserve to know. "It's fine now. So just know that I'm really sorry."

The way he avoids my gaze makes me think that it isn't really fine. But if he doesn't want to open up then I'll respect that. "Okay then. I'll just be here if you want to talk."

"Thank you... But right now you paid to have someone to talk to so why don't we hear your side?"

"I came here to talk to you so now that we're okay, I don't have anything to say anymore."

"But you still have thirty minutes," he looks at the elegant wall clock. So he spent like twenty minutes comforting me? "How about we talk about what you've been up to for the past three days?"

"I spent all day at home, didn't you see me?"

"I didn't see you that's why I thought you were always out."

"Nope. I was in my room all the time."

"What were you doing alone there? You're not the type to just sit alone..."

"Well, I didn't have much choice. If I go out knowing that you're upset at me, I still wouldn't be able to enjoy." His eyebrows furrow. Wait, fuck. He might think I like him or something. God, no. "I mean, I get tired of things fast so the past three days, nothing could get me out of the bed."

"Is that so? What about your friends?"

"Katy's at honeymoon, Dany's out there looking for some men, I don't know. I won't hang out with her without Katy. All she talks about are her daddies."

"Daddies? She has two fathers?"

I want to slap myself for mentioning that. Now I have to explain it to him. "No, that doesn't mean that way. I'm talking about boyfriends who treat her like a princess."

"Huh? Then why call them daddy?"

"I don't know, really. I've never been into that kink—" Fuck, my lewd mouth seriously!

"Kink?" I swear to God the way he says it made kink sound like some candy.

"Uh... you do know about kinks, don't you? I don't have to explain it to you right?"

There goes his knotting forehead again. Does he seriously not know? "A client once talked to me about them. Are you into those?"

God forbid, I'm having this conversation with him. "No, shockingly. Bitch like me seems to be into BDSM stuff but I bow to no one."

"Is that so? My client seems happy talking about it. I thought you liked it too since..."

I swallow the bitterness. Of course. That's what they all think of me. "Since I'm THE school slut, yeah, I know. But I don't like being hurt, even if it's supposed to make the sex better—wait, do I have to rephrase it? Cause I said sex and we agreed not to say those things."

"I thought girls like the bad boy type."

He's really into the conversation? This is new. "I don't know what kind of drug those girls took to make themselves think that guys who treat them like trash love them. So don't you dare think that I'm one of them."

I see my hands involuntarily fisted on my lap. I'm being overpowered by emotion tonight, huh.

"You're really..." he starts but just lingers there. He stares at me as if figuring out how to put it.

"One of a kind? I know," I try to joke. My sarcasm isn't working properly these days.

"I was about to say sensitive when it comes to abuse but, okay."

I shot an eyebrow up. "You might think I'm into BDSM stuff because I'm pretty wild when it comes to sex but I am not stupid. Who in their right minds would want their lover to hurt them? I'm not insane enough to think that when someone hurts me, it means they're trying to get my attention cause they like me. What am I on kindergarten?"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or something," he looks regretful and maybe I really was oversensitive. But there's a reason for it, one that I'm not ready to talk about with anybody yet.

"Apology accepted."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: might cause heartbreak

> **POV: Yours**

 

I've been standing by his door for a minute now when he suddenly opens it.

"Jesus Chri—what are you doing here?" he's holding his chest, like what he always do when I come out of nowhere.

"I was about to knock. I had a bad dream," I say while staring at my feet.

It wasn't a bad dream. It was a nightmare. A memory. It hasn't been haunting me the past days because I was bothered with present problems. But when I finally let myself breathe out all the negativity, it comes to remind me how cruel this world is.

I've spent years partying til dawn just so I can sleep without dreaming or maybe skip sleeping altogether.

"What?" he sounds annoyed. Well, it's 2 AM and he got home from Haven around 12. It's a miracle that he can still stand up.

And I'm very stupid to be here.

"I'm sorry for disturbing," I say and start to walk away.

"No, wait," he grabs my hand, "Sorry, I just got really scared for a minute there. Come here."

He leads the way to the kitchen and makes me sit on the stool. He keeps on moving and I just stare at nowhere. My mind only comes back when he hands me a cup of hot chocolate.

"Here. So you can have a good dream when you sleep again."

I take the mug and look at the little floating things. "I hate marshmallows."

"Oh—really? Sorry, I didn't know. Here, let me make you a new—"

I drink it straight. The marshmallows are tiny and the chocolate is impeccable so I guess it's fine.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offers.

"No," I smile tightly. There's no way I'm letting the nightmares ruin our comfort with each other.

"Okay... I'll be here anytime," he says with his signature comforting smile. "But try not to disturb me during sleeping hours. Specially on school days."

"It's not my fault you worked late and only have a couple of hours to rest."

The past days with him have been a bliss. Ever since the night at Haven, we've been treating each other respectfully, and by that I mean I don't try to infuriate him in any way. I've become a really good girl. And I learned that though he really is a naive bean who works on an adulterated place, he also has his mature side. The caring side that no one would think he has due to his childlike façade.

It's safe to say that we're like a couple now. I mean who lives together under the same roof and cook for each other and things like that? I feel shy to say anything lewd now and I can't even kiss him on the cheek or something. I mean, it feels awkward now. I used to kiss people randomly but it feels wrong if I do it to him. So our last kiss was back at Haven.

My phone rings. Wow, isn't this new? And weird? Who calls at two in the morning?

"Go to your room. I'll clean this up," he shoos me away. Fine.

I walk to my room and answer the call.

"Hello?"

 _"Hello... is this Y/N?"_ The voice on the other side is clear for someone who's calling at this hour.

"Is this Ms. Becham? If you're calling because of my father—"

_"No, I'm Nurse Joyce from St. Therese, assigned on Ms. Park Jihyo."_

The name makes me knot my eyebrows. I don't know any Nurse Joyce but... "Park Jihyo? I only know one Park Jihyo but we haven't talked for years now so—"

_"Yes, it's that Park Jihyo, your friend from high school. She asked me to call you."_

"Okay, hang on, Jihyo is at a hospital and she told you to call a high school friend in the middle of the night?" I know Jihyo and this is very unlikely of her. She's a nice and considerate girl, not that I'm saying calling me at wee hours of morning is not nice and considerate. I mean it is. A little. It's just weird, okay?

_"Yes. She would like you to come here early in the morning to talk to you about important matters. This is the last thing we can do for her."_

"What do you mean?" I feel my pulse quicken. That statement made me nervous.

_"Please, just come here tomorrow morning."_

* * *

"Y/N, I'll go to school for a minute," Youngjae calls out after knocking on my door.

"Take care. Write me a letter every month. I'm size 7. A box of Ferrero will be enough," I answer, dressing up myself too. I don't bother opening the door for him since it's not lock. He'll open it if he needs to see my face.

"I'm not going out of the country," I hear his fading mutter. See? He knows I'll be here when he comes home so he doesn't bother looking at me before he goes.

Okay, why am I being melodramatic?

After half an hour, I finish preparing. Jihyo is a pretty girl with her bright eyes and cute gestures so I should make myself prettier since I don't have her cuteness. I adore that girl though some might think I'm bullying her. But that's how I show my affection towards people.

I still find it odd that she'll call for me, out of all people. And why is she on a hospital by the way? Something about her throat, I guess? Thinking about it, Jihyo and Youngjae actually have similarities. Both are great singers with bright personalities. Maybe that's why I love them both.

Wait... did I say love? Scratch that. I'm becoming soft these days. This is that fluffball's fault.

* * *

"I'm looking for Ms. Park Jihyo's room," I tell the nurse on the counter.

"Are you Y/N?" another nurse comes up to me.

"Are you a fan of some sorts?" I try to joke.

"I'm the one who called you... earlier. My name is Joyce."

"Ah, Nurse Joyce. Hi. Lead me to her, please," I try not to sound bossy.

She seems nice anyway so she lets it pass and just smiles. She nods once and I follow her down the hall.

* * *

"Hi, Y/N. It's been a long time," Jihyo says with a warm smile plastered on her pale face.

I can't help but stare. She's not my sweet Jihyo. She looks too fragile. My Jihyo would smile no matter how tired she is from practice. I know because we hang out with each other when my plastic friends have something else to do—a code for when they have a meeting to talk about me in secret.

The girl lying in this hospital bed looks like she's dying. It's not Jihyo. Only her smile tells me that she's Jihyo.

"Come beside me and sit. Don't worry, cancer isn't airborne."

Cancer.

Wow.

I...

I don't know what to say.

I slowly go closer. I can see how dark the bags under her eyes were. She became too thin. I loved pinching her cheeks but now, I'm afraid it'll quickly bleed if I accidentally graze her with my fingernail.

"How have you been? Youngjae told me a lot about you. I thought you said you'll take it seriously when you go to college? What happened?"

Youngjae? Wait... she knows Youngjae?

She must've noticed my confusion. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew."

"Knew what?"

"That I'm his fiancée and you're living on our house right now."

Fiancée. All this time, I've been provoking Youngjae and we almost had sex. I never understood how he can reject me those times. This is the reason. He has someone he's willing to spend his life with. And knowing him, he won't be able to cheat on her. That's how strong his love is. And moreover, knowing Jihyo, he really won't be able to do anything to hurt her. Because she's precious.

So... this is why he's working at Haven? He needs the money for Jihyo's treatment? And is this where he was the night after Katy's wedding? Is that why he looked so distraught? Did something happen to Jihyo then?

I'm the most horrible person in the world.

"Come on, Y/N. We haven't seen each other for a while so we have a lot to talk about," she asks for my hand. I hold hers softly, afraid to hurt her anymore.

"I thought you said you just have asthma. Why are you here?"

"You remember!" she says happily, as if that's what I'm concerned about. "I thought our friendship was one-sided. You seem to be just bullying me, you know, at least that's what they say. But since you remember what I told you after years, then I guess you really cared about me."

"Cut the crap, Jihyo. Answer me. What happened?" Because I'm close to crying from the guilt crashing into me.

Her smile remains though the topic is nothing to smile about. "I was diagnosed with lung cancer. I've been here since your batch graduated."

Lung cancer. I have no idea how bad that can be. But cancer can be cured anyway. "When will you be allowed to go out? Do you have stay here more?"

"I think I have to stay here for the rest of my life. That won't be long anyway."

"What? What did you just say?"

She laughs faintly. "I think I can go now, you know. I got to talk to you. That's the only thing I'm waiting for."

"What do you mean?" Is this what the nurse meant last night?

"I don't have long, Y/N. I'm tired. And I don't want Youngjae to live like this anymore."

"Youngjae is fine—"

"No, he's not. It's not okay to throw away your future for someone who will die soon. He risked his career as a singer by working on that place. I can't accept that."

"You knew about Haven?" I thought she doesn't. It's very unlikely for Youngjae to tell her that.

"Yes. One of his co-workers, Jackson, is my nurse's boyfriend. He saw Youngjae talking to me so he introduced himself to me after Youngjae left. He told me how Youngjae is the most loyal man he ever met because he didn't accept the tens of thousands offered by a client just so he'll sleep with her. Jackson thought I knew."

I look away. I have no words.

"And because of working on that place, the school committee won't be giving them scholarship anymore. Bambam told me."

Okay, I'm not surprised about her being friends with Bambam and that he would tell her. But the school learned about his job? How?

"Putting all that together, Y/N, I need you to do something for me," her voice becomes fainter. I look into her eyes and I feel like this breaks her heart. "I need you to make sure that Youngjae will move on after I die."

"No! I'm not talking about this with you! Dying? Are you crazy, Jihyo? You won't die. At least not this soon," I don't try to wipe the tears coming out of my eyes. She's insane.

"But I can feel it, Y/N. And if I'm given a choice right now, I'd take it right away. I am very tired, not only from all of those medications. I'm tired of taking things away from Youngjae."

"You're not taking things away from him. He—he's doing this for you. He willingly did. If you didn't hear from him about his work or about the scholarship, that's because he doesn't want you to worry. So dying—even just thinking of dying, is not a very good way of paying him back for all he did for you."

"I just need you to promise that you'll take care of him, Y/N. You think I won't know when something is up between you two? That's why you're here. Because I know you made him temporarily forget about me. Because you've kissed each other behind my back and you owe me this."

My breathing becomes laboured. She knew. Though we only ever made out, that's enough to be called cheating. I made Youngjae cheat on her, regardless of not knowing that he has a girlfriend—let alone a fiancée.

She knew. Of course she would. Even without anyone telling, a lover will know when something is changing. And she must've kept it in for so long.

"Think of this as paying me back, Y/N. Youngjae deserves to be happy. And he won't be fully happy if he still have me to worry."

"You can't kill yourself."

"I won't. The cancer will do just that. So promise me now. It's the least you can do."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: might trigger victims of abuse

> **POV: Yours**

 

Jihyo died.

A week after we talked, the nurse called me for the news. At the same time, I heard crashing from the kitchen. I went down and saw Youngjae devastated. I cried as I watch his world crumble down. It hurts that Jihyo is gone now but it hurts more to see Youngjae like that. I debated whether to leave him alone for now or to console him. I remembered my promise to Jihyo. There's no way my presence can help him. If anything, he might feel guilty of neglecting Jihyo because of me.

Today is the first time Youngjae called me. We don't see each other at home because he's on Jihyo's funeral. I had gone there one time but I refuse to just sit there and mourn. I have to build myself up in order to fulfil my promise. So imagine how thankful I am when Youngjae even made the first move to see me.

* * *

"Hi," I breathe out when I arrive at our meeting place.

His eyes are sad. Of course. Jihyo was buried just yesterday. But he's trying to smile and it pains me. "I'm sorry for suddenly calling you. I just have a movie that I want to watch and I have two tickets that I pre-ordered last week but now I don't have..."

"I understand," I quickly say. It was supposed to be his and Jihyo's. I'm a substitute. But isn't that what Jihyo asked me to be. "So what are we seeing?"

He points at the poster.

"Boys and their Marvel movies," I roll my eyes when I see someone wearing black and someone wearing blue superhero costumes.

"Batman vs. Superman is by DC," he says.

"Exactly my point. I don't even know the difference between them," I shrug.

* * *

We were silent throughout the movie. I don't think he's even watching it. It's like he's just trying to see if he can pretend that he's okay. I swear I even heard him sniffle somewhere in the middle of it. But if he this is his way of moving on, I'll be glad to help.

"Hey, um, can I go to the bathroom?" I ask as we are walking aimlessly.

"Yeah, sure. I'll meet you at McDonalds," he points at the fast food chain, "Bambam said you like nuggets."

"Uh... I do. But why would you talk to Bambam about me?"

"I'll tell you later. Go on. I'll just wait for you there."

Okay...? At least he's smiling. That's a good sign.

I walk to the comfort room. I just want to wash my face and get a grip, which is what exactly I did. The cold water helped me cool my head.

Jihyo died and before that, I promised that I would help Youngjae move on from her death. Now Youngjae looks willing to move on too. He's using me as distraction and that's okay because I owe this to them, to Jihyo, for being a party on their relationship. I took Youngjae's from her on the times she needed him. It's only right.

I hear someone enter and I would've just ignored it but the lock clicked. I look behind me, ready to face some pervert who thinks locking me with him inside a comfort room is an advantage. I can kill someone with my stilettos. Try me.

"Y/N."

No. Why is she here?

"I've been waiting for a chance to talk to you. Thank God."

My sister takes a step closer to me but I back away to the wall. "Don't come near me."

"Y/N! Im here to take you home. Who is that guy you're with? Have you been with him all along?"

The mere sight of her enrages me. It took me courage to finally run away from their house. Her innocent façade won't be able to take me back.

"Don't tell me you're pregnant with that guy—"

"He's not like that!"

"He better be because Dad will kill him."

Dad. Wow. So that son of a bitch is looking for me. Great. "You just lost your chance to take me home by mentioning him."

"Y/N, come on. This isn't what you're used to. I know you don't have money anymore and you refuse to use your cards. How are you living?"

"Oh, so I should go back to your mansion because there's unlimited money there? You don't think I can work for my own expenses?"

"It's our house, Y/N. You also belong there. Why do you insist that you don't?"

I scoff. "Well, isn't it true? You're not my sister. We don't have the same mother. I'm doing you a favour by leaving in peace."

"But my mother treated you as her own, ever since your mother left you. Why can't you respect them?"

There, she's breaking. I've been with pure people for a while so I know when someone is just acting like one. My sister thinks she's doing great at that but I know better.

"You don't know how much I idolised your father when I was young. My mother slapped me almost everyday because I wanted to introduce myself to him. That's how much I wanted to be with him," I start to tell her. The words taste bitter from my mouth.

"Then what happened? As far as I know, we gave you everything you want. My mom isn't the typical stepmother who treats you as Cinderella. In fact, she even buys clothes for you—"

"Oh, yeah, thanks a lot. That's what she does to the kids under her foundation too. I feel so privileged to have her sympathy," I feign a smile.

She sighs exasperatedly. "I just don't get it. Are you doing this for attention? Are you having some insecurity issues?"

"God, I wish that's how it is but I want the opposite. Leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with your family. I ran away because I loathe all of you so don't try to bring me back anymore."

"Whatever have we done to you? What are you so upset about?"

The memories come crashing to me. The nightmares that have been haunting me ever since. I try to calm myself but the rage is overflowing. "Don't act as if you don't know what happened to me."

"What are you saying?"

"Oh, come on, don't act dumb. You're an aspiring lawyer but you denied me justice."

"I don't understand."

"Think! What could you possibly know yet you act like you don't?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

Great. She's such a great actress. Well, coming from a wealthy family, we both learned how to be prim and proper so that we won't tarnish our father's reputation. He's a wealthy and famous man. His daughters serve as trophy of how great of a person he is.

Pathetic fool.

"I don't know if you completely erased it from your memory but it never left mine. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see it." I smile bitterly. "You were there. I saw you peeking through the door but you never helped me."

"What?" she seems very confused. Of course. She probably don't know which incident I'm talking about because there's many.

"You were there when our father abandoned his morals and let his lust take over. Our eyes met. I remember how I uttered your name but in the end, all you did was leave. You know how I trust you back then but you betrayed me."

I tell myself not to cry. No. I'm done crying and I know how useless that is. Recalling these horrible things still breaks me but I won't show it to anyone anymore.

"Y/N, you mean..." the pity registers on her eyes.

"Oh, why so meek now? You want me to go back to that house where every corner reminds me of what your father did to me? Of how I told your mother what happened but she didn't believe me? Of how I asked for your help but you pretended not to know anything?

"Y/N, we were kids—"

"And that's exactly my point. He took advantage of my innocence and I was so afraid that he did something to you too. Didn't I ask you if he also touched you because I will fight for you? But you told me I should just shut up instead. I was so determined to let the authorities know how my own father... raped me but you stopped me."

Damn it. The tears are spilling.

"It's just that I was scared for you! You're still a kid and no one would believe you because Daddy has connections."

"What kind of a lawyer would you be in the future? You're letting the criminals go by making the victims feel like they don't have a voice? Is that what you're going to tell them? That they might lose so they should just let it go? You're not suitable for that job then."

"I've changed, Y/N. I took this course because I don't want anyone to suffer the way you did."

I laugh mockingly. So she does know. She remembers. See? She can act all she want but her own mouth will expose how rotten she is. "Then why on earth are you still asking me to go back there? Do you want my futile suicide attempts to be successful now?"

Her hand goes to cover her mouth. She starts tearing up. As if she actually cares. "You tried killing yourself?"

"Why do you think I always wear these big bangles? While you're thinking I'm at some bar, I was actually at a hospital because some maids found me bleeding and unconscious. Ask your mother. She's the one who paid my bills, saying that I'm part of her foundation. Cause your father's reputation will be ruined once the media learned what happened."

I let it all sink in to her. She must be clinging so badly to the fact that her parents are kind people. But no. There are only a handful of people with golden hearts. They are not the ones who can give you your needs but rather, the ones who offer them to you without anything in return. I've met two selfless people in this lifetime and I'm going to spend my life repaying them. I'm not going back.

"I didn't know it was like that."

I stare at my dejected sister. I can't actually blame her for her choices when we were young but... "And now that you do know, will you do anything?"

"I don't know, Y/N. This is too much to take in. I have to talk to some people—"

"No, you don't have to. Your first thought should've been to help now but you're still the same," I say in disappointment. I walk pass her and stop when I reach the door. I turn around to look at her one last time. "I don't ever to see you and your family ever again. Please, just let me go."    


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: might be triggering and also generally sad

> **POV: Yours**

 

I don't complain when he comes in and effortlessly scoops me up to his arms. I'm exhausted from crying for what seems like hours. After talking to my sister, I went home and didn't bother to change clothes or even turn the lights on. I just sat in front of my room, crying my eyes out.

I thought he will take me downstairs to the kitchen and ask me what happened, but instead I find myself sitting on a bathtub full of warm water. Somehow, I feel instantly refreshed. My head feels a little bit lighter and the shivering stops.

He washes me up and even dries my hair afterwards. He doesn't make me move a muscle and I'm glad for it. I suddenly want to become a child, to have someone take care of me like one because once you grow up, people don't care anymore. And my childhood was a mess. I never really enjoyed it.

He helps me into a fresh set of clothes and I shed a tear upon realising that I've slept with a lot of guys who help me undress myself but never have I met someone who helped me put my clothes back.

Only he did.

He carries me again, now back to my bed. He leaves me for a while and comes back with two glasses of water. "Drink it so you'll feel better. Trust me."

I don't think water can make it all better but I want to escape this misery badly so I drank all of it. Funny how he's technically one of the reasons why I'm devastated right now but he's also the one helping me to calm down.

"Here, drink this too. I don't want you to get dehydrated from all the crying," he hands me the second glass. I obey him.

He takes the glasses and leaves again. I'm starting to wonder what drug this guy took to care suddenly when he returns with a plate of sliced apples. It was cut on some kind of rabbit shape. Of course, here's the fluff part.

"Come, lie down for a minute. I'll put on a movie. Do you want anything?" he asks but I'm too tired to answer.

He gently lays me down, tucks me under the covers, puts on a movie, and settles beside me as it starts. What I'd give for this moment to last.

"Try some of those apples. I learned to cut them that way whenever someone is sick. She eats them along with her medicine so she can't taste the bitterness."

I don't answer. Of course he's used to taking care of people. He's been doing this to Jihyo for God know how long. And now I'm the replacement.

He takes the plate from my side and puts one of the apples in front of my eyes.

"Y/N, I want to be eaten. Look how cute I am. I'm delicious," he says in a high pitched voice.

"Was that the rabbit or you speaking?" I mutter. I look at him and he just smiles. I take a bite from the apple slice. "It's only because I like it when you call me by my name. Don't think I did that just because you told me to."

"Okay, no need to be defensive."

Jihyo told me to make him happy and I agreed. He deserves to be happy. But he can't be happy with me. I'm a mess, a snarky little bitch with unresolved trauma.

"If you could be anything, what would you be? Don't tell me someone better than Jennifer Lawrence," he suddenly asks.

"Why? Cause no one can be better than your beloved Mystique?" I remember him being addicted to X-Men and games. Nerd things like that.

"No. Because you would be blue and naked. Not a good combination."

I try to at least smirk but my face feels heavy. Everything feels heavy.

"Y/N?" he calls, probably checking if I feel asleep.

"I guess I want to be..." I look at him with hesitation. I don't want to cross any lines.

"It's okay, go on."

I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing. "I want to be good enough."

He sighs. "I thought you're going to say you want to be Harley Quinn or something. Why the suspense?"

"No, I'm serious. I want to be good enough. That's it. I don't want to be anyone else. I just want someone to see me and not think that I'm perfect but rather, that I'm enough. That I am flawed yet he will accept all of it."

His lips crook up on the side as he tries to let it sink. I don't know why I said those. Am I actually hurt that he sees Jihyo in me that's why he's comforting me right now? How will I be able to help him be happy if I'm not willing to play the part?

I quickly make a follow up to change the topic. "What about you?"

"Me?"

I nod.

He purses his lips. "I guess I want to be happy."

Happy. All of us want him to be happy. Even he himself. So why can't he? He deserves it.

Jihyo said she's holding him back. And I agree that her death would be something he will never let go, not ever, so he would need someone to help him move on. But no. I don't think he can be happy with me. I will also hold him back. Two broken pieces from different things won't fit.

"What is it?" he asks when he sees me staring.

I reluctantly ask to hold his hand. If only moments like this last forever. But I know that tomorrow, or maybe just a little later, something will come to ruin this again.

He takes my hand and traces the scars on my wrist. Oh... did he know about them? "I never asked you about this because I don't want to cross any lines."

I try to gather courage to tell him but I don't want to cry again.

"You know what's wrong with us?" I ask softly. "You want that false state of euphoria where you don't feel sad. And here I am, wanting to please others and feel like I'm worth it. So you chose to work where you can make others feel what you want to feel yourself. And I turned to blade to punish myself for being not enough. We're a big mismatch."

"Maybe we're each other's sanity, though. You make me forget sometimes that the world is wrong."

I do my best to laugh. He must be joking. If wrong is personified, that would be me. But I'm glad to help if he thinks that way. "Then what about me? No one thinks I'm good enough. They think I'm fucked up because I'm not afraid of death. But I mean, why would I be scared of something that will take me away from here?"

"Maybe because you're supposed to have people you're afraid to never see again."

Ah. He has a point. Whenever we wake up, there's a reason. There's always a goal. There's something you want to do or there's a person you want to see again.

"Well, if you put it that way, you're the one closest to that something-I-don't-want-to-lose." Because it's true. He's the only one I look forward to seeing everytime I wake up. I know that if I go down the kitchen, he would be there, preparing breakfast. If one day that wouldn't happen anymore, I don't think I'd want to live. "How can you put up with me? Seriously, you've been really nice to me. Are you kicking me out of the house?"

"As much as I want to because you even left me at the mall earlier, I can't kick you out. I made a promise."

"A promise?"

"With Jihyo."

I quickly sit up and face him. "What did you say?"

He gently pushes me back to the bed. I oblige since my head hurts from all the crying anyway. "I knew she met you at the hospital though I don't know what you guys talked about. The nurse just told me about calling you. Then Jihyo called for me too and asked me to take care of you. She told me she's tired and she wants to rest so I told her to do so. I knew what she meant and I've spent all this time preparing myself for it. But before she do that, she said I have to promise. So in order to stop her from suffering anymore, I did."

"I'm so sorry," I can only say. I've never lost someone I love but I can imagine how hard it took him to accept it even before it happened. "You don't have to do this just because of that. I'm actually thinking about moving out very soon. When Jihyo talked to me and I learned that you bought this house for her, I wanted to move out right away."

"But you didn't."

"I can't. I made a promise too."

His eyes try to read me. I know he'll understand that I really am willing to go. "If I tell you to stay, would you?"

"Stay?" the word sounds so foreign.

"Yes. We have promises to fulfil. We owe her that."

"But I can't. My promise is to make you happy. I won't be able to do that," my voice cracks. It's different when I have to say it out loud.

"But you're already doing that."

"No, Youngjae. You're just sad of Jihyo's death and I'm comforting you. It's an illusion."

"You said it yourself, happiness is a false state of euphoria."

"You can't be happy with me. I have issues too. And you will very soon be dragged in them."

"It's okay. As long as you're here. We can do this together."

"I don't know. Soon you'll get tired of everything and you'll regret asking me to stay."

"I won't. I'm sure I won't."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I love you," he says while looking straight to my eyes.

I feel lost. He loves me. Surely not as much as he loves Jihyo; I can't even compare to that. But he loves me. He loves me that much to ask me to stay. He loves me that much that he had the courage to tell me.

His feelings can change after he moves on from the slump he is in. But he loves me right now. And that's more than enough.

"You can tell me what's wrong, you know. I don't want you to suffer alone. Just stay with me and try to be happy. Then I'll be happy too."

I take a deep breath. I don't know if this is the right time for him because he has something going on to. But it's hard to have this conversation again. I open my mouth to speak and surprisingly, I find it easy to tell him everything.

Tonight, we learned how broken we both are. How our hearts have been torn though by different means but nonetheless same intensity. He lost himself trying to show his love to Jihyo, while I lost myself when I tried to look for my father's love. And so he fixed me and I fixed him and somehow, the love between us is all we need.

With his kisses and touch, he made me feel enough. That I am even more than the woman I would ever be. And I hope that soon, I can show make him how thankful I am that a such miracle like him came to me and that though I am a curse he never asked for, we can be happy.


	11. Epilogue

> **POV: Yours**

 

"Katy!"

"For God's sake, Y/N! You're late!" my dear old friend drags me by the arm as soon as I arrive in front of her.

"I'm sorry, okay! Is Dany pissed off?"

"You bet she is!"

It's Dany's wedding today. I remember Katy's wedding as if it just happened yesterday. I was right about my call three years ago, that Dany will be next to marry. Now I'm a bridesmaid again.

"Where's your date though? Why are you alone?" Katy asks as we line up. The pianist starts playing on cue and the entourage starts moving.

"He's busy. You know how popular he is right now. He'll come later, promise."

"He should or else you'll be a fifth wheel on the love train," she says before holding onto Yugyeom's arm and walking.

I am the maid-of-honour and I had to walk alone because the best man is already in front. Cameras are flashing from the sides, not just to commemorate Dany's wedding, but also to capture the country's top-paid model of the year. I give them my sweetest smile.

Three years ago, I decided to stop studying and finally pursue my passion, modelling. I used to say that it bores me but actually, I am pressured to get a degree rather than do what I love. After everything that happened, I made up my mind. I'm done doing things for people. I'll love myself and do the things that will make me happy.

I smile at Jackson upon reaching the end of the aisle. He's a little dazed but I know how excited he must be to marry Dany. Another good couple found their happiness. I can't wait to have mine.

* * *

"Bridesmaids and groomsmen, please come in front," the photographer says. This time, I didn't have to race with anyone. Katy is holding hands with Yugyeom as they let me walk pass them, taking the spot beside the bride.

"My God, Y/N! How dare you be late on my wedding?" she whines.

I chuckle. "At least I came. Congratulations you guys."

"Thank you," both she and Jackson says.

"Where's your date though?" Jackson tries to look for my boyfriend in the crowd. His eyes registers recognition so I guess my beloved guy comes just in time.

I watch as he walks through the crowd smoothly, some cameras following him too. Like me, he's on top of his field and everybody is familiar with him. Everyone knows that we're together though and they say that we're perfect for each other.

"I'm so sorry for being late. I had some problems at the studio," he tells the newlyweds before facing me. He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. "Hey there, beautiful."

"Well, you're just in time for the picture. Stand beside Y/N," Jackson points.

"And I think I wouldn't be wrong to say that you guys are next?" Dany teases.

I raise a brow while he laughs. If only they know. "We'll talk about it. You know how people think. If we're just dating for a year and I suddenly pop a ring, they might assume I got her pregnant."

"Well, haven't you?"

Dany lightly slaps Jackson's arm. "Y/N is very tame now. I'm sure she'll check if she's safe first before spreading her legs. They can't afford to lose their booming fame."

"Um, guys, I'm still here you know," I try to remind them but they just laugh. Oh Dany. I'm so glad you found someone who will accept that mouth of yours.

"Just smile at the camera, you two. It's not your wedding yet but you look the best. I'll sell his picture to the press," Jackson snickers and I roll my eyes. It's not my fault I'm gorgeous while Bambam thinks that the world is his runway and so he looks stunning anytime.

* * *

I let myself roam around the reception hall like what Bambam is doing. He's currently talking to some of our model friends so I go to talk to the only other person familiar to me.

He's with his friends too, the ones from Haven. All of them have retired from their host jobs. Some have settled down but I'm pretty sure he hasn't. I don't think he will ever do. But I still hope a little that he does.

His friends notice my arrival so they tell him to look up from his laughter.

"Hi," I say with a smile, a little shy for coming up to him. The world knows how unsociable I still am, especially now that everyone wants to know me. So being the first to talk is a very rare occasion.

"Y/N! Wow, you look very pretty, like always," he stands up to hug me. I feel the familiar softness of his body though he matured so much. He still gives me comfort. "Guys, I'll just talk to her. I'll be back."

The collectively nod, knowing how dear we are to each other.

"You were amazing earlier. How much did Dany pay to get a magnificent pianist play on her wedding?" I ask as he walks me to the dancefloor. Slow music is playing and this is the only place where we can talk in private without getting rumoured of anything.

"She doesn't have to. Jackson is my friend from Haven, remember? I owe them a lot," he answers as we take the spot in the middle.

I've met all of his colleagues at Haven before. He introduced me to them and they also became my acquaintances. That's how Dany knew Jackson. I introduced them to each other. It's been long since Jackson stopped working there so I keep on forgetting about it. I got used to looking at him as Dany's boyfriend. No I have to get to used again to being Dany's husband.

"How have you been?" he asks with pure concern. We haven't talked for a while because we're busy on each other's lives. I have my modelling career while he has his music.

That's what he meant by owing the guys at Haven. They and Madame helped him find a good record label after the school refuted his scholarship. He's been working very hard since then, stopping his studies to focus on what he truly loves. Like what I did.

"I'm great. How about you?" I try not detailing anything before knowing his condition first.

"I'm getting there," he answers with a smile.

Getting there. That's how he's been ever since. He's been trying to get there. Trying to find the happiness. I've helped him in every way that I can, swallowed my pride a lot of times. We've been through good, bad, worse to worst until we both felt tired. But the almost never became enough. And maybe, that's how it will ever be. So we learned to just forget it.

"I noticed the ring on your finger."

I swallow a lump on my throat. Of course, he would notice. He knows a lot of things but chooses not to pry. It is only with me that he lets himself open up. "Yes. No one knows yet but Bambam has proposed to me. And I accepted."

"I'm very happy for you," he says in all sincerity. I try to smile but I can't help but feel guilty. I've found someone who thinks I'm enough. I am happy. And he's here, trying to look happy for me. But I know that it pains him a little too.

We tried to make our relationship work. God knows we tried. But we know in our hearts that we're just pretending. We care for each other but that's just it. Care. We promised that we would make it work. But that's just it too. Promise. What we needed is love, pure love and compassion towards each other that can put our broken pieces back together. But we couldn't find it. We had to stop trying to do it together at the same time and focus on ourselves instead.

I moved out of his apartment and accepted Bambam's offer to live with him. He learned about everything and still welcomed me with open arms. That's how I realised that I don't need to change. I don't need to push myself to be happy. Someone out there is willing to be by my side as I try to accept everything and regardless if I don't, he will make me feel that I'm enough.

Youngjae deserves this kind of love more than I do but life is never fair to anyone.

"I know what you're thinking and you're wrong."

I look up to see him still smiling. There isn't sadness in his eyes but the happiness isn't pure too.

"You should stop blaming yourself for what happened to me. You opened my mind into a lot of things, and I'm not just talking about all our... adventures."

"You don't really have to mention that. I've retired from the wild nights," I mutter.

He laughs a little. "Yes, you have. That's why believe me when I say that I'm glad to meet you during those times. You are not a curse, Y/N. If anything, you are a miracle that unexpectedly came to me. Without you, I wouldn't be able to have the courage to pursue my dream. Without you, I wouldn't be able to let go of Jihyo. I still love her, we both know I always will. But you taught me how to live even though the one I'm living for is gone. You taught how to find new love. Without you, I would've been lost with nowhere to go. And though I'm still lost right now, at least you taught me what road to take so it can lead me to the happiness I'm looking for."

I bury my head on his shoulders. I don't want any of the cameras catching my tears. I'm thankful that my mascara is waterproof.

"So please, Y/N, don't think about me anymore. Be happy with Bambam. Tell the world that you are marrying him. Screw the fact that you've just been dating for a year. You've known him for longer and the love you two have can't be degraded by the length at all. You deserve to be happy as much as I do. So I'm letting you go and you have to let me go too."

He stops our dance and holds my head on either side. I let him tilt my face up though I know how messed up I probably look. He pushes the strands of hair away from my face so he can look at me in the eye.

"I didn't love you the right way, Y/N. I used you. But I don't want to deny that it made me happy for a while. And just know I really do love you in a different way. You are one of the best persons I've ever met in this lifetime. You will always be in my heart. You know what I mean, right?"

I do. That's how I think of him too. "I—"

"No. You don't have to say that you love me too. I know how hard it is for you to say those words. Your fiancé should hear it more than anything. He deserves that."

Yes. I've never told anyone that I love them. I've never even said 'I love you' to Bambam. And I know how unfair that is but he understands. Youngjae is right. Bambam deserves this. This is the least I can do to show him how thankful I am.

I smile at Youngjae and he nods as encouragement.

I almost run my way to where Bambam is, laughing with some friends. He sees me at once and everyone's attention goes to me. Without any hesitation, I hold onto his arms, afraid that I will go limp after gathering up my all to say this.

"I love you."

The others are confused of what's happening, of why I had to say that all of a sudden. But I don't care. All I can focus into is the way Bambam's eyes light up in pure happiness and astonishment. He starts tearing up and I quickly hug him to assure that he's not dreaming.

"I love you, Bam. Thank you for accepting me," I whisper once more.

I hear applause start to fill the room. I look back to see everyone watching, probably thinking that something big has happened. So I will not let them down.

"We're getting married," I announce as I show them the ring that Bambam has given me a month ago.

Now everyone rejoices for us and on the other side of the room, I see Youngjae smiling proudly. I mouth him a thank you before Bambam pulls me in for a kiss. When he lets me go to talk to our friends, I see Youngjae being approached by a girl who seems to be at the back of my mind.

I met her earlier and Dany introduced her as a cousin. I keep on thinking where I've seen her but I only realise it now that she's beside Youngjae. It's the nurse who took care of Jihyo before. Nurse Joyce. And I have this feeling that she will be able to take care and give joy to my dearest Youngjae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR SPARING ME SOME TIME WITH THIS STORY! All reactions are welcomed.


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